Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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