I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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