What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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