and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
