Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
