the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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