My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
