I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
