After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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