I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
