Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
