I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
