i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
