She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
