Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
