she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
