This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
