Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
