Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
