Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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