dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
