Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
