I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
