i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
