I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
