just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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