Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
