im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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