Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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