i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
