fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
