it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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