Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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