by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
