I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
