I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
