So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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