I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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