Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
