dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
