so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
