yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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