I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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