HIV tests are more positive than that guy
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
