did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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