I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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