Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize