i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
