I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
