My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
