Me. At least after what I've been through.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Houston, we have a squirter
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
