I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
