I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
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