I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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