I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Bring me that man meat
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
